Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email:聽lisi@thestar.ca
蚕听I鈥檓 the mom of a teenage boy, and what they say is all true. They鈥檙e loving, when they want to be. They鈥檙e messy, they shed their clothes and their stuff from the front door through the house to the back, like a moulting snake. They eat everything in sight and then want dinner. They went from calling me mommy to mom to bruh. Their rooms look like a cyclone hit. They burp and fart often, loudly and anywhere.
Until these past few years I have enjoyed being a boy mom. We鈥檝e been very active, had lots of laughs, spent all our time together. But now I find they talk to me less, not in a closed off way, just in a different way. They want to hang out with me less and spend more time with their friends.
I envy my friends with daughters. They watch shows together, shop together, go to movies together, go to the latest greatest hottest food shops together. My boys aren鈥檛 interested in any of that. I鈥檓 lonely now.
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Is this the rest of my life?
Boy Mom
础听Everyone is different, from the way you mothered them to the type of people they are. One child may not ever be as close to you again; the other might pass through this adolescent stage quickly and come back to your close relationship. It鈥檚 impossible to predict.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Do the things that make you happy. Fill your time so you鈥檙e not waiting around for them, then disappointed and bored when they don鈥檛 want to hang out.
You didn鈥檛 mention their father or a partner but, if you have one, spend more time together. A friend of mine told me that when her children entered high school, her mother told her this trick: make plans for yourself as though you鈥檙e dating your husband. Besides work, go to the gym or whatever self-care you do; make plans with friends; go to the movies, out for dinner, walks at night. All of which can be altered if ever a child says, 鈥淗ey mom, what are you doing tonight?鈥
I also strongly suggest a weekly activity/event, even something as simple as Sunday brunch that is, for the most part, non-negotiable. A chance to connect, talk about your week, discuss the week ahead. Teenagers can be introverted and sullen, but they still need their mommies.
蚕听My husband was very helpful in recovering all my messages when I was transferring my data from my old phone to my new phone. Except I didn鈥檛 ask him to retrieve those that had been deleted. I was unaware he did it, because he went behind my back. I was trying to get back into my old phone to make sure everything was OK before we factory reset it but discovered he had changed my password.
He retrieved all the messages between my kids and myself. Messages in which we were venting about him as he created issues when he stayed home working and when he lost his job. He has a very high level of OCD, which makes it worse for all of us as he鈥檚 constantly creating issues.
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My messages venting were always helping us to move on with the day 鈥 they were never meant to harm him. Now he is very angry and accused all of us of betraying and cheating on him. He has stopped talking to me and blocked me from messaging him, and he鈥檚 been bombarding me with insults and life quotes also asking for divorce.
What should I do?
Caught text-handed
础听You need to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. If not, then this is your out. If yes, then you must apologize profusely, as should your children. But I would also suggest a family therapy session, where you and your children can safely tell your husband what was so annoying about his behaviour, and you can all get tools to learn how to live with OCD, unemployment and impending retirement.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mom worried about her daughter鈥檚 clothing choices (Feb. 6):
Reader: 鈥淎s the parent and grandparent of seven, I would say this: 鈥楻elax. This too shall pass.鈥 Kids need to flex their independence, and this is a much safer way to do it than many other means, for example, with drugs. It may take a while though.
鈥淚 live near a university and each winter, we watch as some of our supposedly best and brightest future citizens plod along in the zero weather and snow wearing shorts, light or no jackets and often sandals.鈥
FEEDBACK Regarding the too-young couple (Feb. 8):
Reader: 鈥淚 met my husband when I was 25 and we were engaged 16 weeks later. We have been together for 40 years. I know I was slightly older but sometimes you just know.鈥
Lisi: That鈥檚 such a nice story! Thank you for sharing.
Opinion articles are based on the author鈥檚 interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in
Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email:聽lisi@thestar.ca
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