In hindsight, it reads like a cry for help. 鈥淵ou know full well a vow of celibacy isn鈥檛 the answer,鈥 the billboard ads pleaded. A video promised, 鈥渨e鈥檝e changed so you don鈥檛 have to.鈥
This ad campaign in early May was supposed to be the dating app Bumble鈥檚 solution to flagging user interest. Instead, it was met with a backlash that, while hardly the final nail in the coffin, certainly felt like a sign that we鈥檝e got our collective hammer out for the decades-long social experiment that is online dating.
Bumble HQ
鈥 Arghavan Salles, MD, PhD (@arghavan_salles)
鈥淲e don鈥檛 have enough women on the app.鈥
鈥淭hey鈥檇 rather be alone than deal with men.鈥
鈥淪hould we teach men to be better?鈥
鈥淣o, we should shame women so they come back to the app.鈥
鈥淵es! Let鈥檚 make them feel bad for choosing celibacy. Great idea!鈥
Bumble swiftly apologized for the campaign, and said the quiet part out loud while they were at it. 鈥淥ur ads referencing celibacy were an attempt to lean into a community frustrated by modern dating,鈥 read the statement. 鈥淎nd instead of bringing joy and humour, we unintentionally did the opposite.鈥
You know things are dire when even the apps themselves are saying there鈥檚 a problem with the way we鈥檙e dating in 2024. The proof is in their bottom line: Bumble Inc. and the Match Group, which includes Tinder and Hinge, the two companies that dominate the category, have reportedly collectively lost more than since 2021.
The laundry list of online dating complaints is as endless as the number of swipes it takes to find someone worth matching with, inspiring an entirely new, miserable lexicon: Ghosting (disappearing without explanation), breadcrumbing (stringing you along with tidbits of attention), benching (sidelining you while they pursue a better option) and paperclipping (sporadically re-entering the chat with something banal like, 鈥榃hatsup.鈥)
To their credit, the apps have attempted to respond to customer complaints. To address safety concerns, Tinder recently introduced a 鈥淪hare My Date鈥 feature, which allows a user to share where they鈥檙e going and a photo of their match with someone they trust.
Hinge launched 鈥淗idden Words,鈥 which allows users to filter for 鈥渦nwanted language,鈥 an attempt to solve for the abuse and harassment that is alarmingly common.
Bumble, in a change that may have been overshadowed by the hoopla over the ad campaign, evolved its signature 鈥渨omen make the first move鈥 feature, which allows users to set a question for all their matches to respond to. It鈥檚 an attempt to correct the disproportionate amount of 鈥渄ating labour鈥 women undertake in this process, such as driving conversations with men who never return the 鈥渘ow you ask me a question鈥 volley.
Is it all too little, too late though? We鈥檙e certainly at an inflection point, says Treena Orchard, a Canadian anthropologist whose new book, , chronicles 鈥渢he darker side of dating apps鈥 through both a social scientist鈥檚 lens and her own experiences as a Gen X dater.
鈥淎t the beginning, it was a game and there were no rules,鈥 says Orchard, an associate professor at Western University who researches sex, gender and health. 鈥淚 think the apps have just worn us down. They鈥檙e not effective, and we鈥檝e used them long enough to be like, 鈥業 don鈥檛 want this anymore.鈥欌
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She points to Tinder鈥檚 10th anniversary last year as a turning point in the collective conversation. 鈥淭here was a barrage of stories of people saying, 鈥榤y longest relationship has been with the app 鈥 and it didn鈥檛 treat me very well,鈥欌 she says.
Navigating this brave new world of mating behaviour is wrapped up in a larger reckoning with the technologies that have radically changed how we socialize over the last decade or so. 鈥淧eople are talking about a 鈥榬eturn to ,鈥 or finding ways to engage with each other that are not necessarily mediated by tech at all,鈥 says Orchard, pointing to the rise of old school ways to meet people like speed dating and even classifieds.
鈥淕en Z hasn鈥檛 been satisfied by the apps for a while,鈥 she says. 鈥淵ears ago, my students were like, they鈥檙e a joke.鈥 If this cohort does use them, it鈥檚 more like another form of social media or a search engine. 鈥淭hey鈥檒l notice someone on campus and they鈥檒l try to find them on the apps 鈥 that鈥檚 the opposite of the way the apps were designed,鈥 says Orchard. 鈥淭hen they鈥檒l go and try to find that person on LinkedIn. They鈥檙e triangulating different sources of information to try and get a more clear or fulsome sense of this person.鈥 Rather than match through the app, they might then go up to them, or ask a friend to introduce them. 鈥淭hey鈥檙e making the platforms work for them.鈥
Meanwhile, Millennials are the first generation in history where almost all of the couples present at any given dinner party met on an app 鈥 while the singles are considering giving up on dating altogether because they鈥檙e so burnt out by looking for love in the digital age. 鈥淭hey seem to be the generation that鈥檚 been sacrificed the most in terms of the mass use of all these technologies, and the resulting loneliness pandemic,鈥 says Orchard. 鈥淢illennials have a tense and complex relationship with technology.鈥
Dating apps in particular leave an emotional toll that feels unique to our era. 鈥淭he turmoil, the violence a lot of people have experienced: fetishization, manipulation, Tinder Swindler type situations,鈥 says Orchard. 鈥淧eople are becoming more confident in talking about the emotional fallout, and the desire to live a different life.鈥
Orchard predicts that two hundred years from now, sociologists will be fascinated by the 鈥減roductivity鈥 of this system that enabled complete strangers from vastly different backgrounds to connect. 鈥淔or myself, I know I would never have met a lot of these men, and a couple of them I fell in love with, and for that I鈥檓 grateful,鈥 says Orchard. 鈥淭hese apps also played a role in my healing journey of , and creating community.鈥 She sees these as some of the positive aspects of digital dating that should be worked into app design going forward.
In future, Orchard thinks apps will stick around but people will use them more judiciously, in combination with more 鈥済rassroots鈥 ways of meeting potential matches. 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 need the dating apps to find someone, and it鈥檚 worth finding different ways to put yourself out there,鈥 she says, acknowledging that this can be easier said than done. 鈥淎s much as things are falling apart, there can be revolutionary change underneath.鈥
In the closing pages of “Sticky Sexy Sad,” Orchard shares takeaways from her deep dive into online dating, like an encouraging note a parent might tuck into a lunch box. 鈥淲e can collectively push back against the boring, problematic design of dating app platforms that harvest our data for free while getting us hooked on the dark magic of the swipe,鈥 she says. 鈥淟et鈥檚 take charge and make our dating galaxy more satisfying, fun, and dripping with glitter.鈥
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