If you haven鈥檛 had an internet connection over the last week, you might not be aware: Gwyneth Paltrow has been in court in Salt Lake City, fighting a lawsuit revolving around a 2016 ski crash.
A retired eye doctor says Paltrow鈥檚 鈥渞eckless鈥 skiing on the Utah slopes left him with life-altering injuries and is asking approximately $407,000 in damages; she denies the allegation and has countersued for $1.
The case has attracted massive amounts of attention, not for its scintillating legal turns or bombshell twists, but for the surreal quality of Paltrow鈥檚 interactions on the witness stand.
Unlike most trials, celebrity or otherwise, this one has a strange air of levity. It鈥檚 clear that Paltrow finds the whole situation preposterous, so unworthy of being taken seriously that, well, she doesn鈥檛. As a result, the courtroom has become the setting for absurdist comedy that plays like a send-up of what would happen if a privileged celebrity, whose entire brand is built around her eye-rollingly out-of-touch lifestyle, suddenly found herself in the position of having to deal with Normals 鈥 and ones who that don鈥檛 fawn over her, to boot!
It鈥檚 certainly one coping strategy for engaging in a minor legal battle that鈥檚 being beamed around the world, only of public interest because you, a famous person whom people adulate and ridicule in equal measure, are the defendant.
Or this could also just be Gwyneth being Gwyneth, and the mildly disdainful, frequently supercilious, often bemused joke is on us. This, after all, is the same woman who took to a podcast last week to detail what she eats in a day 鈥 mainly liquids, the odd vegetable and an IV vitamin drip 鈥 with a straight face and no acknowledgment of the possibility that she might be glorifying disordered eating. (鈥淚t wasn鈥檛 meant to be advice for anyone else,鈥 Paltrow later clarified.)
It鈥檚 no wonder that there鈥檚 been an explosion of memes, hot takes and super-cuts from the civil case that will forever be known as the Ski Trial.
Here, a few of the most absurd moments of the trial so far.
鈥淚 lost half a day of skiing鈥
Tissues at the ready: When asked whether the accident had ruined an 鈥渆xpensive鈥 vacation, Gwyneth nodded soberly and said, with all the pathos in the world, 鈥淲ell, I lost half a day of skiing, yes.鈥 The plaintiff, meanwhile, claims the accident caused him to suffer personality changes, headaches and the inability to enjoy wine tastings anymore.
Gwyneth Paltrow enters court for her ski trial.
GETTY IMAGESGwyneth Paltrow鈥檚 ultimate 鈥渟tealth wealth鈥 court outfits
From her $250 Smythson notebook to her Celine sunglasses to a luxurious cashmere knit from her own Goop clothing line, Paltrow鈥檚 courtroom outfits have been an exercise in 鈥渉ow to dress like you have so much money you don鈥檛 need to impress anyone with flashy branding.鈥
Rather than dress from the usual courtroom attire playbook 鈥 a white button-down, a sensible and (crucially) ill-fitting blazer 鈥 Gwyneth is giving us a fashion show, dressing like any other ultra-rich woman spending a week in a mountainous locale, seemingly kitted out for a Sundance after-party rather than an appointment with the justice system.
One sartorial detail that makes us think she just really is in on this joke: the statement 鈥80s-style glasses she wore on the first day of her legal battle with 鈥 an optometrist.
Gwyneth Paltrow interacts with attorney Kristin VanOrman on the ski trial stand.
GETTY IMAGESThe painful interactions with fan-girling lawyer Kristin VanOrman
In all fairness to Paltrow, the way the plaintiff鈥檚 lawyer questioned her on the witness stand was, frankly, bizarre. Kristin VanOrman鈥檚 approach was a mixture of Elle Woods in 鈥淟egally Blonde鈥 (was she being chummy to lull her into a false sense of security?) and the kind of oleaginous flattery celebrities encounter all the time. 鈥淚 am so jealous,鈥 she said at one point, referring to Paltrow鈥檚 five-foot-10 frame. 鈥淵ou probably had a better ski outfit though,鈥 she says at another. In a weird side bar, VanOrman pressed Paltrow about whether she and Taylor Swift are 鈥済ood friends,鈥 insinuating she might have been inspired by Swift鈥檚 pursuit of $1 damages in her court case against record executives. (They鈥檙e not, Paltrow said, but they are acquaintances.)
Whether this was genius legal strategy or simply a person doing their job while star-struck, Paltrow鈥檚 response to this behaviour was fascinating. She reacted with the mildly embarrassed bemusement of someone who鈥檚 well-versed in the art of adulation from complete strangers, tightly smiling and humouring the interaction while clearly casting about for some means of escape.
The trip was intended to help 鈥渂lend鈥 her family
Famous for popularizing the term 鈥渃onscious uncoupling鈥 after her divorce from Chris Martin, Paltrow continued in true form when she claimed on the stand that the purpose of this ski trip was to help 鈥渂lend鈥 her family, including her two children and her then-boyfriend, now-husband Brad Falchuk. (We may see all three of them called to the stand before the eight-day trial is over.) That this required a luxury ski vacation with $9,000 private lessons is a given.
Gwyneth in court in Salt Lake City.
GETTY IMAGESPaltrow鈥檚 team tried to give the court bailiffs 鈥渢reats鈥
In what might be one of the more unusual requests this Salt Lake City judge has fielded, Paltrow鈥檚 lawyer asked if her team could bring the court bailiffs treats to thank them for how helpful they had been to Paltrow鈥檚 鈥減rivate security.鈥 (What could the treats have been? Keto brownies? Designer notebooks? A vitamin IV drip?) Unsurprisingly the plaintiff鈥檚 lawyer objected and the judge denied the request, saying 鈥渢hank you, but no thank you.鈥
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