Prince Harry should buy a hat.
In recent years, I have written many columns about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Some were supportive. Some were critical. Today, my heart goes out to his hair.
Put down your comb and behold some headlines from the last 48 hours: 鈥淧rince Harry Looks Like a Vampire From Twilight After Possible Hair Transplant.鈥 鈥淪pare Hair: Prince Harry is Balding Very Rapidly.鈥 鈥淧rince Harry Accused of Airbrushing Hair in New Photo.鈥 鈥淧rince Harry is Getting Roasted For New Luxurious Hair.鈥
Luxurious? I would have gone with lustrous. But, whatever. The source of this follicle uproar comes via a photo posted on BetterUp. The company is on a mission to 鈥渉elp people everywhere live their lives with greater clarity, purpose and passion.鈥
It might start by advising against radical transformation in all 8x10 headshots.
Prince Harry is the chief impact officer. His bio includes an image that is spurring double takes. I鈥檓 not familiar with the Clairol colour wheel. But his hair looks three shades darker than strawberry blond. It鈥檚 more mahogany than ginger. It also has rainforest density. His hair could make for a comfy seat cushion.
Does Harry still have the visage of a man who quotes 13th-century Sicilian sonnets while urging you to invest in crypto to save the coral reefs? Sure. But he looks great. His alleged hair is GQ-worthy. And that鈥檚 where the problem starts.
The British tabloids took one look at this head shot and lunged for their poison pens. The Royal News Network concluded a post on Twitter/X with: 鈥淗arry now looks like the fool, again, for refusing to accept that he鈥檚 not 25 anymore and needs a different haircut that works with his hair loss.鈥
Other sites, possessed by the ghosts of Sherlock Holmes and Vidal Sassoon, launched hasty investigations to determine why his hair looked different from the usual ravaged bale of hay on display in recent appearances in Japan and Singapore.
The conclusions varied: his hair was Photoshopped. It鈥檚 an optical illusion. He had a transplant. He鈥檚 using static-clinging fibres made from keratin. He ripped out a chunk of Bermuda grass from Dodger Stadium, Gorilla Glued it to his thinning crown and forced Meghan to colour in his head with a Crayola Extra Deep Almond.
It鈥檚 all so cruel. Some hair meanies justified their outbursts by citing karma. They pointed to Harry鈥檚 bombshell memoir, 鈥淪pare,鈥 and noted that he had taken cheap shots at brother William鈥檚 hair loss, describing it as 鈥渁larming鈥 and 鈥渕ore advanced than mine.鈥 So, they argue, turnabout is fair play.
Bollocks, you crazy Brits. Every man handles male pattern baldness in his own way. But the initial trauma is universal. If you want to have a go at Harry and Meghan for their self-authored hostilities and dysfunction with the Royal Family, fine.
Just leave Harry鈥檚 hair out of it.
His hair didn鈥檛 call anyone a racist. His hair isn鈥檛 hurting anyone. His hair is the victim.
We normies can鈥檛 fathom the pressure on global public figures like Prince Harry. This poor bastard can鈥檛 amble into his backyard chicken coop in Montecito without fearing a drone with a telephoto lens is hovering nearby. Imagine being surreptitiously snapped wherever you go. It would be a living hell. But now that Harry has traded British royalty for Hollywood celebrity, he needs to look the part.
So it鈥檚 not surprising he might yearn to have more hair than Timoth茅e Chalamet.
Our culture is rife with all kinds of shaming we are told to avoid. But there is no skull shaming and that鈥檚 a shame. If I were friends with Harry, I鈥檇 advise him to buy clippers and John Deere his cranium. He鈥檇 look awesome. He鈥檇 be like a hypersensitive Bond villain who calls 911 after shooting someone with a crossbow.
We live in a golden age for baldness. Imagine if the Rock had a mullet. Or if Joe Rogan had a side part and bangs. They鈥檇 look preposterous. Michael Jordan is hailed as the greatest NBA player ever. In my opinion, when the floodlights of history shine on No. 23, he will be remembered as a man who made bald cool. I wanted to shave my head to be like Mike. Then I realized I鈥檇 look like a guppy in bifocals.
Prince Harry does not have this problem. He can do whatever he wants with his hair, or lack of hair. What he should not have to do is feel bad about himself over a photo posted to a site dedicated to, ironically, mental health.
Shame on everyone who shamed Harry this week.
His peer group went from snooty aristocrats who sip afternoon tea with Corgis noshing on crumpets at their feet to vacuous celebrities who rely upon filters, fillers, stylists, personal trainers and cosmetic surgery.
The sad part is Harry would be happier as a normie where nobody cared about his hair. I can imagine his pure joy at running a farmers market. Or coaching little league.
Alas, that is not his fate. The universe dunked Prince Harry into a fishbowl at birth. His every move, every utterance, his image, is now scrutinized like an endangered animal born in captivity. His hair is not immune.
Buy a hat, Harry. Do it now. Trust me.
Focus on the top of your body to give the tabloids one less thing to bring you down.
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