This was a bad week for those who suffer from earworms.
Kendrick Lamar was nominated for 10 American Music Awards? 鈥淣ot Like Us鈥 is now stuck in many heads. YouTube turned 20 this week? 鈥淕angnam Style鈥 is now stuck in many heads. Monday is election day? 鈥淟ivin鈥 on a Prayer鈥 is now stuck in many heads.
Earworms are like hiccups: science has no reliable cure. A song is looping in your brain and driving you nuts? Let鈥檚 see. Maybe go for a walk? Chew gum? Crossword puzzle? Binge-watch Crave to rid yourself of Chappell Roan? Some experts suggest listening to the song that is already haunting your skull concert theatre. This seems counterintuitive.
It鈥檚 like telling someone having trouble with their balance to walk a tightrope.
I don鈥檛 know why earworms wiggle into the news cycle every spring. They just do. Earworms are like the fall equivalent of 鈥渉ow to get your garden ready for winter.鈥 The Washington Post published a story this week with tips on how to 鈥渄eworm鈥 a trapped tune.
According to Wikipedia 鈥 where else am I supposed to research earworms? 鈥 98 per cent of all people experience what is sometimes called Stuck Song Syndrome or Involuntary Musical Imagery (INMI). Songs with lyrics account for more than 70 per cent of earworms, which is why nobody roams the aisles at Home Depot trying to shake off a Prokofiev concerto.
Another oddity, according to research from James Kellaris: 鈥淲omen and men experience the phenomenon equally often, but earworms tend to last longer for women and irritate them more.鈥 For ladies, earworms are like having to watch 鈥淭he Godfather鈥 on a rerouted flight.
Here鈥檚 what I want science to solve: why aren鈥檛 there other sensory worms? Wouldn鈥檛 it be amazing to suffer from a noseworm that has you smelling lilac and lavender when you enter a public washroom? I鈥檇 love an eyeworm that has me hallucinating Halle Berry is in my sunroom. Or a mouthworm that magically turns my wife鈥檚 cauliflower into Keg filet mignon.
Maybe this involves too much involuntary cognition compared to just 鈥淢补肠补谤别苍补.鈥
Earworms are not limited to the human auditory cortex. Per an astronomy bulletin this month in Science Alert: I read this story on 鈥渟tarquakes,鈥 鈥渇requency signatures鈥 and the 鈥淢67 star cluster鈥 three times and still don鈥檛 understand it beyond the possibility Venus is now humming Bananarama.
Scientists at the University of St Andrews once boldly issued a 鈥淭op 20 Earworms.鈥 The list included Taylor Swift鈥檚 鈥淪hake It Off,鈥 Journey鈥檚 鈥淒on鈥檛 Stop Believin鈥欌 and Michael Jackson鈥檚 鈥淏eat It.鈥 Queen鈥檚 鈥淲e Will Rock You鈥 was No. 1, no surprise to anyone who has attended a hockey or soccer game this century.
According to the Mirror, which covered this E=mc2 flashpoint in musicology, researchers identified five variables to explain earworms: receptiveness, predictability, surprise, melodic potency and rhythmic repetition. Their formula: 鈥Receptiveness + (predictability 鈥 surprise) + (melodic potency) + (rhythmic repetition x 1.5) = earworm.鈥
Long story short: 鈥淲ho Let the Dogs Out?鈥 Guaranteed earworm.
鈥淐at鈥檚 in the Cradle.鈥 Not an earworm 鈥 not unless I just gave you one.
If I simply type 鈥淵.M.C.A.鈥 your ears will curse me for the next five hours.
I have a theory. Earworms amplify in stressful times. They are a coping mechanism. They are implanted by an invisible and benevolent DJ to quell anxiety. Think about it. You never get an earworm when out for a mimosa brunch on a stat holiday. But turn on CNN these days and your internal Dolby drops the needle on, 鈥淚t鈥檚 the End of the World As We Know It.鈥
It鈥檚 as if Donald Trump is also a crooner with the stage name Agent Orange.
I once entered Belgium after crossing the North Sea from the U.K. in a hydrofoil that looked like it hadn鈥檛 been serviced since the Beatles released 鈥淎bbey Road.鈥 It was a harrowing journey for many reasons, not least of which was that John Denver鈥檚 鈥淎nnie鈥檚 Song鈥 was stuck in my head.
You fill up my senses 鈥 please don鈥檛 fill up my lungs.
Can鈥檛 get that song out of your head? It may be a soundtrack to the apocalypse.
So what are we to do about the spring earworms in this bleak 2025? Maybe nothing 鈥 hiccup. I went to PetSmart on Monday night. CarPlay was on a Queen and David Bowie duet as I parked. I chatted with a lovely clerk at checkout. She lamented tariffs, trade wars and the creeping dread of her generation.
This is not stuff one expects to hear while stocking up on Royal Canin. I told her Canada would come out stronger than ever when the madness ends.
She smiled and sighed. I could tell she wasn’t buying it.
As I walked out, the song playing in my head was 鈥淯nder Pressure.鈥
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