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Whenever I am out, I always message her to see if she needs anything or if I can do anything for her. She almost always says yes and I鈥檓 happy to oblige. But therein lies my problem: she never asks me if I need anything. She鈥檒l come over after work with stuff for the bathroom for her but she won鈥檛 replenish the toilet paper, or buy me the toothpaste I use for example.

Is she just selfish, self-centred or immature?

Unsure boyfriend

础听You mentioned you don鈥檛 live together but from your description it sounds as though you live on your own. I shouldn鈥檛, but I鈥檓 going to assume your girlfriend still lives at home. That would explain her short-sighted behaviour.

Again, making assumptions, let鈥檚 say she lives with her parents. She鈥檚 probably used to replenishing items for her washroom at home, not her parents鈥�. So it could be a combination of immaturity, ignorance and being self-absorbed.

Before you lay judgment, why don鈥檛 you just ask her why she doesn鈥檛 inquire if you need anything when she goes out. If she looks at you like she has no idea what you鈥檙e talking about, then just explain how healthy relationships work; that is, you think about each other鈥檚 needs and happiness at every turn. That鈥檚 why when you go out to run errands, you ask her if she needs/wants anything. Tell her you would like her to do the same.

If it never occurred to her and she learns and changes, then yay. If she doesn鈥檛, then she鈥檚 not the person for you if that matters to you. It may not. You鈥檒l have your answer once you speak with her.

蚕听There鈥檚 a mom at my daughter鈥檚 school who drives me crazy. Her daughter is part of the ‘group’ and is a sweet, funny, easygoing child. She鈥檚 lovely whenever she comes over and it鈥檚 a pleasure to have her around.

But her mom is a pain in my you-know-what. She never reciprocates and invites my daughter over for a playdate. She kiboshes many a playdate because she can鈥檛 pick her daughter up ever, no matter what the time or day. And she never speaks up when a carpool is being discussed.

None of it would matter if they lived near myself or any of the other families in the group. They don鈥檛 live far, but it鈥檚 not walking distance and it鈥檚 always in the 鈥渨rong鈥� direction. I know the mom works, but she鈥檚 not an emergency room doctor, works relaxed hours and only has this one child. Why can鈥檛 she participate?

Too Busy to Parent

础听Don鈥檛 judge without knowing all the facts, and you may never know. Maybe she doesn鈥檛 drive. Maybe she doesn鈥檛 drive on the highway, or in the dark. Maybe she has a parent she cares for. Maybe she鈥檚 super shy and insecure.

Give her the benefit of the doubt, accept her limitations and work around them. You鈥檙e not going to change her.

FEEDBACK Regarding three鈥檚 a crowd (Feb. 27):

Reader: 鈥淲hile cognitive decline is a possibility, my instinct was that the sister is being abused by her husband and he鈥檚 insisting he hears all her conversations. That they live out of state and he鈥檚 presenting as 鈥榓 great guy鈥� to the rest of the family is also a red flag, part of the pattern of isolation typically present in domestic abuse.

鈥淚f it is abuse, presenting a narrative of cognitive decline could do a lot of damage and risk further abuse and alienation for her sister, while also raising doubts about her sanity, and this common abuse tactic could be used to gaslight the victim, and the family, while upholding the abuser as the voice of reason. This often plays out in domestic violence cases and can be a reason a woman is limited from accessing finances, appropriate care, or even private discussions with medical providers that might help or empower them to leave.鈥�