蚕听My sister is constantly asking our dad to do things for her, from making her a coffee, to driving her to a friend鈥檚, to booking her a massage. He鈥檚 always done this kind of stuff for us because our mom is an ER doctor and works crazy hours. Dad has very flexible hours and often works from home; he鈥檚 our go-to person.
But my sister is 22. She can make her own coffee, walk to her friend鈥檚 and set up any appointment she wants. I鈥檝e talked to my dad and he always says he doesn鈥檛 mind. I know he loves making our lives easier, so none of it is a big deal.
The problem is when she asks and he says no. She loses her mind. She鈥檒l go nuts if he says he can鈥檛 drive her somewhere exactly when she wants to go. I鈥檝e even offered to drive her, but that鈥檚 not good enough.
What kind of dynamic is going on here and how can I stop it?
Distraught Sis
础听It鈥檚 not for you to change the dynamic. Your father and your sister need to figure it out between themselves. However, you could try a few different techniques: You could discuss everything with your mother and see how she feels. If she鈥檚 on board, you two could try to have an intervention with your dad and sister.
If that doesn鈥檛 work, you and your mom could insist they go to counselling together to figure out why they have this dynamic. Your father sounds like a pleaser, but also a hands-on parent. Separately, those aren鈥檛 bad traits. Together, they may cause overkill. But that depends directly on what type of personality your sister has. He鈥檚 the same person with you and you don鈥檛 act the same way.
Your sister sounds as though she has some impulse issues and has been spoiled. Your father needs to set some boundaries. I strongly suggest they get counselling.
蚕听Why do people insist that moving out of your parents鈥 house is necessary to prove you鈥檙e a grown-up?
I鈥檓 a woman in my late 50s who鈥檚 always lived at home. I still live in the same room I grew up in. I鈥檓 now retired, but I always paid room and board and all my own expenses. I own my car, do my own laundry and cleaning and prepare my own meals.
I鈥檓 a quiet person, and living with roommates never appealed but I also didn鈥檛 want to live alone, so staying at home seemed a reasonable choice, and my parents agreed. When my mother battled Parkinson鈥檚, I was able to help care for her, and now that my 87-year-old father is ailing I can keep him home. I鈥檝e gradually taken over most household tasks and now ferry my father everywhere.
In many cultures it鈥檚 normal and even expected that parents and adult children share a household. I don鈥檛 understand the disdainful attitude most North Americans have regarding this arrangement, which harms no one and can contribute to family unity.
I think it鈥檚 practical and financially savvy for adult children to live with their parents, if the relationship is mutually respectful and beneficial.
My brother moved out as soon as he finished university because he wanted to live downtown, stay out late, have parties, etc. That was him.
Why do people always assume it鈥檚 an adult child鈥檚 ‘failure to launch?’
Happy at Home
础听To each their own, as you say. You鈥檙e right 鈥 it鈥檚 the cultural norm for many, but not here in North America as much. I think it really depends on the person, the parents and the situation. For some, it is a social issue; for others, like yourself, it was the right thing to do.
FEEDBACK Regarding the unrecognizable granny (May 30):
Reader: 鈥淭here鈥檚 something called frontotemporal dementia that can change behaviour of individuals, making them less inhibited. The behaviour can change gradually over time so it may not be obvious to family and friends. The family should have Granny checked out as it sounds like her behaviour is very out of character.鈥
FEEDBACK Regarding linguistics of they/them (March 12; June 5):
Reader: 鈥淚 understand 鈥榯hey鈥 usually refers to more than one person. However, I have found it very helpful to remind myself about the singular 鈥榯hey,鈥 specifically in a lost wallet scenario.
鈥淚f you found a nondescript lost wallet, you might say, 鈥榮omebody lost their wallet. They are probably worried right now. They鈥檙e likely looking for it.鈥
鈥淲hen I tell people that our youngest is non-binary, I sometimes share that the grammar confused me until I figured out the 鈥榣ost wallet鈥 mindset. Others often appreciate the tip.鈥
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