Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email:聽lisi@thestar.ca
Q How do we raise our children in today鈥檚 political, social and economic climate? My wife grew up poor in an impoverished country. She was beyond fortunate to escape that life. Her people were kept from gaining any economic status, yet persecuted because they were poor, along with their skin colour and religious beliefs.
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, in this largely white male-dominated country and had the completely opposite upbringing. Our love story reads like a good book on Oprah鈥檚 list. And now, here we are, trying to raise children based on our life experience, where we live now, and what鈥檚 happening outside our safe walls.
As imagined, we don鈥檛 see eye-to-eye on much. Our kids are light with light eyes. We have written to you before about my wife being mistaken for the nanny. As a result, I don鈥檛 worry so much about the issue of skin colour, but my wife still does. My wife worries even more about the religious aspect, but since I have never felt religious persecution, I don鈥檛 comprehend how something invisible can be an issue.
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The one thing we do agree on is that, when older, the children need not flaunt their privilege. As in, they shouldn鈥檛 go out at night in their most expensive sneakers or designer clothing because that could invite unwanted attention.
But what about the other talking points?
It鈥檚 not black and white
A You have asked the million-dollar question. I wish I had all the answers, and I wish we lived in a different world. I just watched the video of that young Ukrainian woman who was stabbed in the neck on the subway and bled out, while not one person came to her aid. This is why my cousin won鈥檛 let her teenage son take the bus alone at night.
Recently, a friend鈥檚 daughter was in a ride share late at night with friends when the driver offered them all gum. Only one took it, but the friend鈥檚 daughter wouldn鈥檛 let her eat it. When they got home, they saw it was covered in a powder.
The world is not a safe place right now 鈥 not for women, not for people of colour, not for people of certain religions, not for people on the streets 鈥 and yet we need and want to raise our children to believe in good over evil, to be independent and courageous, not fearful of their own shadows.
The key is to teach your children street smarts so they know what to look for, what to watch out for, what to be wary of; that they know the basic rules of engagement, as in, never go out alone, or get in a stranger鈥檚 car, or leave your drink unattended, or take anything ingestible from a stranger. Make sure someone always knows where you are 鈥 and that parents have their children鈥檚 location services turned on 鈥 just in case.
In partnerships like yours, where parents are coming at it from two very extreme stances, I strongly suggest you err on the side of caution. Also, don鈥檛 push your wife to allow for things that make her uncomfortable. Her happiness and mental health are tied up in this. Your kids will have plenty of chances to do what they want to do. It doesn鈥檛 have to be now.
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FEEDBACK Regarding the man living in his parents鈥 basement (June 18):
Reader:聽鈥淥ne thing I learned early is that your mother will always be your mother, regardless of your age, until her last breath.
鈥淎nd this mother鈥檚 health and age aren鈥檛 mentioned. I have a family member like this guy who almost overnight became the caregiver.
鈥淪tart getting up earlier to make breakfast for yourself and your mother. Start doing everyone鈥檚 laundry, not just your own. Start making dinner sometimes.聽Make your own lunch the night before.
鈥淭he day will come, and suddenly, when he will become the caregiver.
“These days, moving out isn鈥檛 that easy, especially given rent and housing prices. I know adults who still live at home, but take more initiative regarding contributing, physically and financially.鈥
Lisi: My issue is one of independence. I strongly believe an adult, gender aside, should live on their own once in their life.
Opinion articles are based on the author鈥檚 interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in
Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email:聽lisi@thestar.ca
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