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When my nine-year-old replied, “We don’t see her because she’s a drunk,” my aunt yelled at her that she was rude for saying that, and that maybe one day her sister will be a drunk. I tried to talk to my aunt, but she flew off the handle saying awful things. I told her if she cannot accept my decision regarding no contact with my mother then we will no longer have a relationship. I also asked her to apologize to my daughter. We haven’t spoken in three months.

I feel she has chosen my mother over me and my daughters. Her loyalty to her sister is more important than being in our lives and respecting my boundaries. She always spends the holidays and birthdays with us, and I often invite her to dinners, BBQs and the girls’ school/extracurricular activities. She would rather miss out on all these special events with her great nieces than leave the issue alone.

My girls miss her, but I feel that without her accepting my decision we can never have a good relationship. Not to mention how inappropriate it was for her to yell at my daughter and say what she said.

What should I do?

Web of Women

础听You must protect your daughters as you see fit. And if that means keeping them from your mother, that is your prerogative. You鈥檙e fortunate that for the past 15 years, you鈥檝e been able to maintain a relationship with your aunt, and that your daughters have benefited from having a great-aunt who can tell them all about their grandmother.

In my opinion, she crossed the line by speaking to your daughters secretly and then reprimanding them. But it sounds as though she was hurt by your daughter鈥檚 words and reacted.

Remember, your mother is her sister. They grew up together as children and for years before your mother was an alcoholic. She will always be her sister. And it鈥檚 not that surprising she is choosing her over you and your daughters. Put yourself in her shoes.

I suggest meeting with her alone. Apologize for your daughter鈥檚 choice of words. Explain to her why you feel the need to protect your daughters from your mother. But also express you understand that sisters have a special bond, and you have no intention of breaking that or making her choose between you. However, there are boundaries that need to be respected. If she can鈥檛, then she鈥檚 choosing to not be in your lives and there鈥檚 nothing you can do. It鈥檚 her loss.

FEEDBACK Regarding the rude roommate (Feb. 13):

Reader 1: 鈥淭his reinforces harmful stereotypes about an entire culture. I鈥檓 from South America, and I have never treated a partner that way. Nor did my grandparents decades ago, or most people I know. Disrespectful and controlling behaviour is a personal choice, not a cultural trait.鈥�

Reader 2: 鈥淗e shouldn鈥檛 be allowed to use the excuse that he鈥檚 sexist because he鈥檚 South American. That鈥檚 insulting to South Americans whose once sexist cultures are evolving just as ours are. And he鈥檚 probably rejected much of traditional Latin culture anyway. That he offers it as an excuse shows he鈥檚 aware of his sexism and that it鈥檚 unacceptable.

鈥淎nd while immigrants retain many of their traditional customs, they still must adapt, and they must follow the laws of their new country. His concerned roommate should point out to him that his attitudes and behaviours will get him into serious trouble in the workplace. Maybe he could even show him a few 鈥楢ll in the Family鈥� episodes where Archie is ordering Edith about in similar fashion. If he sees he comes across as an old fogey, he might be persuaded to update his behaviour.鈥�