If you and your partner are sleeping in separate bedrooms, you’re not alone.
Experts estimate that somewhere between 25 to 40 per cent of couples have separate sleeping arrangements but, since there鈥檚 still stigma attached to what some call 鈥渟leep divorce,鈥 we may never know the true figure. Most of the people I interviewed for this story, for example, spoke only on the condition of anonymity: one woman said her husband would be 鈥渕ortified鈥 if their sleep habits made the paper.聽
But the reasons people gave for sleeping apart don鈥檛 sound like anything to be ashamed of.
Amy*, a card-carrying morning person, said she and her husband parted sleeping ways because he鈥檚 a confirmed night owl.
鈥淚鈥檓 also a real thrasher and a cover-hog and I get leg cramps and I鈥檓 always spinning and spinning around,鈥 she said, with a laugh, noting that she and her husband have been sleeping apart for most of their 20-plus year marriage. 鈥淭he thrashing has only gotten worse over the years and I know he would not be able to handle that.鈥
The couple spends a lot of time working together during the day, though, and in the evening, if they watch TV together, they cuddle on the couch.
鈥淪leeping in the same bed or not isn鈥檛 what determines the strength of our marriage,鈥 said Amy. 鈥淚n fact, sleeping in separate beds may be one of the things that keeps us together.鈥
As counterintuitive as that may sound, Laura Devlin, a registered clinical psychologist who works at , says that, for some couples, separate bedrooms may benefit their relationship.
鈥淪ome research suggests that quality of sleep can affect conflict cycles with couples,鈥 said Devlin. 鈥淭hat makes sense: if you鈥檙e sleep-deprived and cranky, you鈥檙e more likely to snap at each other.鈥
She added that the tricky part is making sure any decision to sleep apart is one that is taken together.
鈥淔or some partners, it may bring up feelings of abandonment or rejection,” said Devlin. “It鈥檚 important to make sure that it鈥檚 addressed so it doesn鈥檛 leave any sort of wound in the relationship.”
Coming to a consensus about sleeping apart doesn鈥檛 necessarily happen overnight.
鈥淎fter years of me getting up and moving to the spare room the third or fourth time my insomniac, sleep-thrashing, sleep-talking husband woke me up, he graciously decided to move there himself at bedtime,鈥 said Toni*, a 海角社区官网resident. 鈥淣ow I can sleep through the night. And it is heaven.鈥
Although there鈥檚 been a lot of buzz around sleeping separately of late 鈥 partly because of celebrities, such as Cameron Diaz, who to 鈥渘ormalize鈥 this setup 鈥 it鈥檚 hard to say if it鈥檚 really becoming more common. Diana Melnick, a registered psychotherapist and certified sex therapist in Toronto, said that it鈥檚 likely this been on the rise for some time.聽
鈥淭here’s definitely been a shift since the 1950s when mom and dad generally slept in the same room,鈥 said Melnick, clinical director at . 鈥淚 think people have more autonomy in relationships and are much more into doing the self-care piece where we take care of ourselves first, then the relationship after.鈥
This is particularly true in cases where one partner has to quarantine because they have a virus, accessibility issues or health problems that interfere with sleep.
鈥淢y husband and I don鈥檛 have sleep issues, historically,鈥 said Joan*, who has lived with her husband for more than 20 years and was recently diagnosed with cancer. 鈥淪ome nights, I don鈥檛 really sleep at all, so we鈥檙e trying to figure that out. It’s an evolving process and discussion.鈥
Between the stress of the diagnosis and the steroids that accompany chemotherapy, Joan’s restlessness sometimes wakes her partner, who needs to be well-rested for work in the morning.聽
鈥淥ur tendency is to want to be together when we can because we鈥檝e always been together,鈥 said Joan, 鈥渂ut I see my parents in their retirement community where they sleep separately and they鈥檙e very happy.鈥
The other issue Joan鈥檚 family is facing is the physical space. With a school-aged child, they have no spare guest room for one or the other to move into. Separate bedrooms may be trending, but that’s likely more for people who can afford the space.
When Fiona* broke her arm, she had to sleep alone in the guest room because she was worried that her partner would roll over on her. She was grateful that her family had chosen to move out of 海角社区官网to a more spacious home a few years earlier.
鈥淚 slept so well it was amazing,鈥 she said, noting that she has trouble sleeping with her partner even when she鈥檚 not injured.
鈥淣inety per cent of the problem is his snoring,鈥 said Fiona. 鈥淭he other 10 per cent is general movement and bed-hogging.” Fiona and her husband got a king-sized bed and she said that’s helped a lot. “If we hadn鈥檛, I can almost guarantee we would be in separate rooms.鈥
Although intimacy counsellor Melnick said that even though some couples benefit from sleeping apart, it can be a hard habit to break 鈥 and that can cause new long-term issues.
鈥淔rom my experience, at least one of the partners usually misses that physical closeness at night, so we try to come up with solutions,鈥 said Melnick. 鈥淢aybe if you don鈥檛 have to get up as early for work the next day and your brain doesn鈥檛 have to be as 鈥榦n鈥, a couple could try sleeping together on nights like that.鈥澛
Or, if there鈥檚 enough space, try a king-sized bed. Or twin beds. Or mattresses with minimal motion transfer. Or twin duvets on top of a queen-sized bed, which is sometimes referred to as the
鈥淓motional connection is at the foundation of your relationship, including your sex life,鈥 said Melnick. 鈥淎s long as you’re attuned to each other and you’re able to share your frustrations, longings and needs, you can make almost any type of situation work well.鈥
To join the conversation set a first and last name in your user profile.
Sign in or register for free to join the Conversation