Finally, a reason for me to stop hating on Tim Hortons.
A more diabolical barista has entered the coffee wars. His name is Rudy Giuliani. He wants you to start your day by grinding his beans. This java news is surprising. I would have guessed Mr. Giuliani鈥檚 next branding venture would be to slap his name on hair dye, anti-truth serum, flatulence meds or bags of manure.
Giuliani promoted his new 鈥淩udy Coffee鈥 on X this week. There are three lines, all priced at $29.99 (U.S.): Bold, Decaf and Morning. Giuliani describes his witch鈥檚 brew as 鈥渟mooth, rich, chocolatey and gentle on your stomach.鈥
So an unholy cross of Folgers, KitKat and leafy greens?
He adds: 鈥淚t鈥檚 so good, I even recommend drinking it black.鈥
This might be the first time anyone in MAGA endorsed anything black.
The worst part of waking up is Rudy in your cup? Bad to the last drop? Start your day like fascism has finally dawned?
Possible slogans aside, you can鈥檛 blame the guy for grasping at stir sticks. Giuliani is dirt poor. His balance sheet would generate gasps in South Sudan. After turning into a human megaphone for Donald Trump鈥檚 election lies, America鈥檚 Mayor morphed into America鈥檚 Moron. It鈥檚 a fall from grace that rivals Marie Antoinette and Fatty Arbuckle combined.
Right now, Diddy is on a legal call and thinking, 鈥淲ell, at least I鈥檓 not Rudy.鈥
Giuliani recently lost his radio show with WABC in New York. Why? This lunatic can鈥檛 stop lying about how the 2020 election was stolen. He filed for bankruptcy around Christmas. Why? A legal verdict found him guilty of defaming two Georgia election workers, Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss. He now owes the mother and daughter $148 million, which translates into 4,934,978 bags of Rudy Coffee. Drink it black and fast, red hats! Rudy needs the cash flow!
America鈥檚 Moron is now facing criminal charges in Georgia and Arizona for trying to overturn the last presidential election. He tried to evade the latter state by playing cat-and-mouse with court officials. But he was served papers this weekend after a birthday party in Florida. Giuliani turns 80 this month, which is 562 in conspiracist years.
Giuliani allowed his reputation to drip-drop into a carafe of disrepute just to please a grifting charlatan and raging narcissist. It鈥檚 beyond baffling. He knew Trump lost the election. The entire inner circle knew Dear Leader was a loser. But instead of salvaging the bona fides he earned around the world as the inspirational and unflinching mayor of NYC after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, Rudy quadrupled down on crazy.
The ghost of Hugo Chavez, in cahoots with George Soros, tampered with voting machines. China stuffed boxes with fraudulent votes, which can be checked with a bamboo analysis of paper ballots. Hillary Clinton clones voted 5,000 times. Bill Gates funded Antifa to threaten violence in red states. The election was rigged by Big Bird, a freakishly large creature who believes in diversity, intersectionality and who wants your kids to be trans.
A part of me feels sorry for Rudy and his $2 million-plus in debts, not to mention the prospect he may spend his final years behind bars. But the rest of me is like FAFO: F—k Around and Find Out.
When Rudy sips his eponymous hot bev in the morning, it doesn鈥檛 matter if it鈥檚 gentle on his tummy. The rest of his organs are in a grinder thanks to his misguided fealty to the most corrupt president in American history.
Coffee? Rudy should be selling punching bags.
He once prosecuted monsters in organized crime. Then he inexplicably joined the Trump Syndicate. No amount of artificial sweetener can take away that bitter aftertaste. He burned his legacy riding shotgun with President Dipstick.
Rudy went from a mighty sequoia to a shrivelled up cactus in the radioactive wasteland of Trumpville. The only way he could inflict more reputational harm would be to trash Taylor Swift while wearing a Hamas T-shirt.
鈥淵ou all know I stand by the truth and if I put my name on something I truly believe it,鈥 said Giuliani in this week鈥檚 desperate pitch.
That sound you heard was a bold brewing indeed. It was the sound of truth choking on Arabica beans. It was the sound of reality throwing a scalding cuppa joe in its own face.
Rudy stopped standing by the truth the second he pushed the Big Lie as hair dye dripped down his face at a garden centre. He stopped standing by the truth when he insinuated two decent and hard-working election volunteers were crackheads. He stopped standing by the truth when he bowed to a lust for power, money and cultural relevance.
Let this be a lesson to the MAGA diehards in need of a caffeine jolt and reality check: the once mighty Rudy Giuliani is now selling coffee.
To join the conversation set a first and last name in your user profile.
Sign in or register for free to join the Conversation