鈥淪chizophrenia, anorexia, crippling depression, suicide attempts. There鈥檚 a lot to write about.鈥
She says it with a chuckle, but Ladan Hussein 鈥 the 海角社区官网singer/songwriter better known by her stage name, Cold Specks 鈥 spent a good year in hell to earn that laugh. She鈥檚 not kidding around. There鈥檚 a deep well of autobiographical material waiting to be plumbed on the next Cold Specks album, and none of it is pretty.
Except the outcome, that is: Hussein is still with us to continue making music. Earlier this year, there was a distinct possibility that neither part of that statement would be true today. Rattling about her 33rd-floor downtown condo with the lights out to foil imaginary cameras recording her movements, 30 pounds underweight and in the full throes of a psychotic break that had her constantly harangued by inner voices and followed by shadows on the walls, she would occasionally step out on the balcony and think about jumping.
She called a cousin, sobbing, from that very balcony and threatening to end it all one day in one of several incidents that eventually triggered an explosion of family concern and had her briefly hospitalized on two occasions before she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and forced into care at Toronto鈥檚 Centre for Addictions and Mental Health for two months last July.
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鈥淚t was necessary. It was very necessary. I was very sick,鈥 said Hussein, 30, last week in the first interview she has done since revealing her illness 鈥 and her gratitude to CAMH, which 鈥渟aved my life鈥 鈥 to the world via a heartbreakingly detailed on Nov. 26. 鈥淚 was just f—-ed. Completely f—-ed.鈥
Monthly injections of the antipsychotic Paliperidone have proven a godsend and these days Hussein is returning to good health, both mental and physical, and trying to piece her life and her musical career, which began when her soul-inflected debut single 鈥溾 caught a wave of buzz in Britain in 2011 鈥 back together.
It鈥檚 hard to get away from the lingering spectre of her mental illness, however. She鈥檚 still, as she puts it, 鈥渓iving under wigs鈥 while the hair she shaved off in the throes of her illness grows back. She no longer has a manager or a booking agent and her friends 鈥渄ropped like flies鈥 as her behaviour grew more irrational and she sank deeper and deeper into solitary delusion. And as we nip across from the studio where she鈥檚 been working on new material with longtime creative partner (and ex-boyfriend) Jim Anderson to a restaurant on the opposite side of the street, she reveals she鈥檚 actually been banned from it.
鈥淚 thought the art was speaking to me so I graffiti鈥檇 on it and they kicked me out and told me never to come back. But I鈥檝e been back since and they鈥檝e never noticed,鈥 she says with another chuckle.
No suspicions are aroused on this occasion. Not long after we settle at a table, though, a Drake tune comes over the PA and Hussein offers up another good-humoured confession.
鈥淚 can listen to Drake and not be traumatized anymore, which is good,鈥 she says quietly. 鈥淗e was a big part of my delusions. I would see his silhouette everywhere. I thought he was sending me subliminal messages on Instagram. I thought the entire last album was about me. It was very strange. I can laugh about it now, but it was very intense. There鈥檚 a lot I鈥檓 not telling you ...
鈥(If) I didn鈥檛 have my family, I鈥檇 be so f—-ed up. They immediately recognized that something was wrong when I got back in contact with them, and they hospitalized me. I鈥檇 cut everybody off so I was just living by myself downtown in a condo I couldn鈥檛 afford. I thought everybody else was crazy.鈥
Hussein credits her cousin, Jasmin Mahamed, with being the person who finally put her foot down and dragged her out of her darkened condo after six months in exile and deepening mental illness after a tour in support of the third Cold Specks album, 2017鈥檚 Fool鈥檚 Paradise 鈥 an unexpected exploration of synth-pop and Hussein鈥檚 Somali roots that met with widespread confusion from critics and fans 鈥 that had not gone well.
鈥淚 toured intensely on that record, and it was difficult to tour a record that wasn鈥檛 being received very well,鈥 she says. 鈥淧eople weren鈥檛 coming to the shows. It was very hard. It wasn鈥檛 being reviewed very well. I was used to critical acclaim. I wasn鈥檛 getting it anymore.
鈥淚t was 50 dates in three months so there was a lot of pressure attached to it. I was promoting an album that wasn鈥檛 doing well. People were not coming to the shows. It was, like, empty crowds, day in and day out, and on top of that I鈥檓 hallucinating and hearing voices.鈥
Mahamed was rightly horrified when she came to visit was greeted with a skin-and-bones shadow of Hussein鈥檚 former self trying to communicate with the Illuminati through her cellphone and worrying that her thoughts were being broadcast for all to hear.
鈥淪he became deathly skinny and would speak to herself in a very unhinged way,鈥 emails Mahamed. 鈥淪he would constantly speak to me about false beliefs and delusions. I immediately recognized something was terribly wrong. The family then intervened and we had her hospitalized numerous times until she finally got the help she needed at CAMH.
鈥淪he鈥檚 back to her normal self now. It was a quick recovery and we鈥檙e all so proud of her. There are no longer any paranoid delusions and she鈥檚 looking healthier. It鈥檚 been amazing to see her bounce back 鈥 It brings us great joy to see this progress.鈥
Hussein has decided to go public with her schizophrenia diagnosis and the struggles of the past 18 months simply out of hope that someone else might not be forced to suffer in silence the way she did for the better part of a year.
The next Cold Specks record is going to dive right into Hussein鈥檚 personal darkness the way the first, 2012鈥檚 stark, acoustic I Predict a Graceful Expulsion 鈥 itself recorded in the shadow of depression and suicide attempt 鈥 did, anyway, she says. She might as well get used to talking about this stuff.
鈥淭here鈥檚 a stigma attached to it, to schizophrenia. I would lie to people. When I came out of the hospital, I would tell them I was hospitalized for bipolar (disorder),鈥 she says. 鈥淧eople are really intolerant of mental abnormalities. It makes people really uncomfortable. 鈥楽chizophrenic,鈥 to me, growing up, was an insult 鈥 It鈥檚 a very real disease. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me.鈥
She has the full support of her family on this front, too.
鈥淚 was a little hesitant at first, as I didn鈥檛 want people to view her any different,鈥 says Mahamed. 鈥淪chizophrenia is a very heavy disease with a lot of negativity attached to it. I didn鈥檛 want her to experience any social isolation or the music industry viewing her any differently, but I think it鈥檚 an important story to tell.鈥
Mute Records, the esteemed U.K. label that released Cold Specks鈥檚 debut and 2014鈥檚 Neuroplasticity internationally 鈥 Toronto鈥檚 Arts & Crafts has the entire catalogue for Canada 鈥 is enthusiastic about the prospects for new music and will be hooking Hussein up with a couple of fairly high-profile collaborators who can鈥檛 yet be named publicly in London come January and February.
Mute is 鈥渓ike family,鈥 she says, and is immensely grateful they鈥檙e interested in another Cold Specks record. Not least because she has been without her livelihood for a year now and needs to work again to put food on the table.
鈥淚 lost everything. To be doing what I love again it鈥檚 been really, really good for the soul. It鈥檚 been good for me,鈥 says Hussein. 鈥淚鈥檝e been writing feverishly. I have a lot to write about. I鈥檓 at my best when I tap into these emotions that are really raw. I鈥檓 a soul singer, y鈥檏now? So it鈥檚 an emotional collection of songs. It鈥檚 deep and dark. It鈥檚 gonna be a lot like the first record, I think. Very sparse, piano and voice. It鈥檚 going to be a raw, fragile collection of songs.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know if I鈥檒l ever tour as extensively as I toured before because I feel like that tour broke my brain. I have to be very careful. I won鈥檛 do 50 dates. I鈥檓 not doing that s—t ever again. But it鈥檚 been very therapeutic, which is great because I need therapy. I can鈥檛 afford it, but I f—-ing need it.鈥
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