Meaghan Wray has been celibate for over 18 months, but she didn鈥檛 just wake up one morning and decide to stop having sex.
鈥淚t was more of a slow burn decision, one that started with being completely turned off by men and wanting nothing to do with them, to deleting most of my dating apps,鈥 said Wray, a 34-year-old writer from Toronto.
The catalyst was a 鈥渂ad experience鈥 with a man she鈥檇 met on the dating app Feeld; he鈥檇 seemed great, but when they met and hooked up, he removed the condom without telling her, then unmatched and unfollowed her. 鈥淚 just realized I felt a lot happier removing dating and sex from the equation.鈥
Initially, Wray just told her inner circle (鈥渕y friends are the most supportive people on the planet and would support me becoming a nun if I wanted to鈥) but eventually she discussed it on social media and Substack, which elicited many reactions.
Some people were shocked that I could make it one whole year with no sex. While some were like, 鈥極ne year? Try seven! That鈥檚 where I鈥檓 at.鈥欌 she said.
In fact, deciding to abstain from sex for a prolonged period of time 鈥 for reasons that aren鈥檛 rooted in faith or cultural norms 鈥 is having something of a moment.
Khloe Kardashian鈥檚 celibacy was a plot point on the current season of her family鈥檚 reality show. 鈥淚 just haven鈥檛 been intimate in quite a long time,鈥 volunteered the third Kardashian sister, whose former relationship with Tristan Thompson was tabloid fodder for years.
鈥淚 think once you go a certain time frame, it doesn鈥檛 matter anymore,鈥 she added in a subsequent interview with Us Weekly. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e like, 鈥極K, now you have to be really worth it to break that.鈥欌
Drew Barrymore shared in a 2021 blog post that she hadn鈥檛 had 鈥渁n intimate relationship鈥 since her 2016 separation, and has spoken about it many times since on her talk show. Last year, Lenny Kravitz told The Guardian that he鈥檇 been celibate for nine years, saying, 鈥渋t鈥檚 a spiritual thing鈥; 50 Cent said he was 鈥減racticing abstinence鈥 to focus on his career; and former Playboy model Kendra Wilkinson told People that she鈥檚 been celibate since her 2018 divorce as a way to 鈥渞ewire鈥 her relationship to sex.
On social media, it鈥檚 common to see Millennials and Gen Zs posting announcements that they鈥檙e 鈥渂oy sober,鈥 eschewing dating apps and hookups in favour of self-improvement and self-care. It鈥檚 a less extreme and explicitly political version of South Korea鈥檚 4B Movement, which emerged a few years ago as a radical response to gender inequality and societal expectations that women must marry and produce children.
This South Korean feminist philosophy calls on women to resist misogyny.聽鈥淭he 鈥榞ood men鈥 failed
Julia Fox, who many came to know when she dated Kanye West in 2022, insouciantly shared she鈥檇 been celibate for two and a half years in a TikTok comment, saying she鈥檇 鈥渘ever been happier.鈥 Expanding on this in a Marie Claire interview, Fox said she felt 鈥渄one with men,鈥 a feeling that was amplified by the overturn of Roe v. Wade. 鈥淲hy would I lay down with someone who won鈥檛 stand up for me?鈥 she said, adding that she鈥檚 heard from many like-minded followers. 鈥淲omen are tired. They鈥檙e like, 鈥業 wish more women understood how great it is not to do this.鈥欌
For Talia Cadet, who鈥檚 shared her celibacy journey with her 175K TikTok followers, a bad breakup led her to 鈥渋ntentionally and proactively abstain from sexual relations鈥 for about three years.
鈥淚 had every intention of getting back out there, but I had to take a step back after going on a few dates with new guys. It wasn鈥檛 fulfilling. I didn鈥檛 feel like I was having my needs met. Then the pandemic happened and made the choice of celibacy for me,鈥 said Cadet, a Washington, D.C.-based content creator in her 30s. 鈥淭he timing was kind of perfect.鈥
Replying to @jenrattler Hope this explains it.
There are many definitions of celibacy 鈥 some people limit only sex, some rule out dating 鈥 and Cadet decided not to engage at all with any man she was attracted to. 鈥淣o flirting. No talking. No texting. No dates,鈥 she said. 鈥淚 was extreme about it, because I wanted to focus on myself and my goals. Men would鈥檝e been a distraction.鈥
She was surprised by how easy she found it. 鈥淚 was never really into casual, noncommittal sex. Although I very much enjoy sex and consider myself very open-minded, I鈥檓 only interested in sex with people I have deep connections with,鈥 she said. 鈥淚 wasn鈥檛 finding that before celibacy, so I was fine during it.鈥
In fact, it became a source of creative inspiration: She has written a forthcoming romance novel whose main character has been celibate for several years, and like Cadet now, is exploring romantic connections again.
鈥淪he鈥檚 dating with intention and doesn鈥檛 want sex clouding her judgment, but she also wants her sexual needs and desires met,鈥 said Cadet. 鈥淚 think a lot of readers are going to see themselves in the female lead.鈥
In sharing her stories about celibacy on TikTok, Cadet has noticed a lot of curiosity about it from women. 鈥淚 think women are increasingly frustrated with dating,鈥 she said. 鈥淲omen would rather be single than be in a situation that doesn鈥檛 serve them or enhance their already wonderful lives.鈥
After her last relationship ended, Mandana Zarghami realized she was attracted to toxic people and behaviours and decided to become celibate in order to 鈥渃ompletely decentre men, work on myself and truly find my spark again.鈥
I was celibate for 4 years and here鈥檚 what I learned鉁
There鈥檚 a self-care element to it for the 29-year-old Miami-based business owner and content creator. 鈥淓ngaging in any physical intimate act is a way of transferring your energy from yourself to that person and vice versa,鈥 she said.
For her, not having sex created space to heal from past traumas, focus on her career, and nourish her friendships and family ties. It brought an added bonus when she started dating again. 鈥淭his was a great way to weed out a lot of men that were trying to get to know me for the wrong reasons,鈥 she said. 鈥淚 stood on my beliefs and definitely had some weird responses and reactions.鈥
In sharing her celibacy story online, Zarghami said the only negative feedback came 鈥渇rom men making rude jokes and comments.鈥
Speaking of men, it鈥檚 noteworthy that they鈥檙e less represented in this phenomenon. 鈥淸The 鈥榖oy sober鈥 movement] is really tied to some of these classic power dynamics between men and women in relationship to each other,鈥 said 海角社区官网clinical sex therapist and author Laura Federico. 鈥淲e鈥檙e still trying really hard to find ways to push back against the expectations of what this is meant to look like.鈥
Federico hears over and over from clients of all genders that they feel pressure to have a certain kind of sex life. 鈥淯sually, what they鈥檙e using to evaluate it is frequency,鈥 she said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 much further down the list that they are evaluating how much they like it, or when they desire it.鈥
She links this to the idea of 鈥渃ompulsory sexuality,鈥 explored in a book by Sherronda J. Brown framed as a Black, asexual lens on our sex-obsessed culture. 鈥淭here have been these expectations that for a person to be well, to be whole, to be in a relationship that鈥檚 good, sexuality has to fit an erotic template that involves a certain amount and type of sex,鈥 said Federico. 鈥淭he layers of judgment are so many and so deep that it鈥檚 terrifying for a lot of people to imagine that they could be happy without sex looking that way 鈥 or without sex at all.鈥
She links the rise in celibacy to increasing visibility for poly relationships and other 鈥渄ifferent relationship constellations.鈥 鈥淚t鈥檚 people just saying, 鈥楾hese are different things that work for me,鈥欌 she said. 鈥淧eople get really fed up with making decisions for other people and not themselves. It鈥檚 not isolated to this one area of their life. It鈥檚 an accumulation, they sort of reach a breaking point and want to take things back for themselves. One of the most empowering ways to do something like that is through our own bodies.鈥
For Wray, choosing to be celibate has meant untangling a complicated knot of feelings. 鈥淎s a fat woman, I grew up feeling like I had to be having tons of sex with men in order to feel beautiful and desired, and I honestly still feel a bit of that pressure lingering today. If I鈥檓 not having sex, does that mean no one wants me? Am I not worthy or desirable?鈥 she said. 鈥淯npacking all of that while being celibate has been incredibly valuable.鈥
For anyone considering celibacy, Wray suggests focusing on the 鈥渨hy鈥 behind it. 鈥淚t helped to stop framing it as deprivation,鈥 she said. 鈥淚 sometimes felt like I was missing out on something, but reframing it as making space for the self, healing and breaking harmful dating dynamics made the experience feel so much more important.鈥
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