Let鈥檚 say you鈥檙e the Regional Managing Cupid for the greater 海角社区官网area and you鈥檙e working on your 鈥淭he state of dating in the city鈥 presentation for the big annual Valentine鈥檚 Day conference.
You might start with some stats. Like the fact that : the number of single, never married people rose by 47,310 or 5.9 per cent between 2016 and 2021, and the number of divorced people rose by 2,535 or 1.7 per cent.
Or that 鈥済ym,鈥 鈥渄ogs,鈥 鈥渒indness鈥 and 鈥渉umour鈥 were the most popular keywords on Toronto鈥檚 Bumble app profiles in the past two months. And that the top three date activities listed on Canadian Tinder profiles are 鈥渉iking,鈥 鈥渃oncert鈥 and 鈥渄rinking.鈥
But what word sums up what it feels like to look for love right now in Toronto? 鈥淒ismal鈥 came up multiple times when we spoke to local singles, first from 36-year-old engineer Michelle Kim.
鈥淚 think it鈥檚 becoming really challenging to connect with people,鈥 said Kim, who finds dating apps 鈥渆xhausting鈥 and 鈥渟o forced.鈥 She feels nostalgic for the pre-digital dating days of yore. 鈥淲orking in an office downtown, you could run into the same people in the elevators or at the coffee shop near work, casually make the eyes at each other, and start chatting,鈥 she said. 鈥淭hese days, with working from home, the internet, social media, dating apps, we鈥檙e all connected but isolated.鈥
That鈥檚 the general consensus from both single and coupled Torontonians when asked about their dating experience in the city? It's hard.
Alexandra Newbould, a 45-year-old courtroom sketch artist, also described dating now as 鈥渄ismal,鈥 pointing to the lack of social skills in Toronto. 鈥淢en here are not used to banter. Foreigners are a different story, but men from here tend to look at you like you’re crazy if you speak to them, say, sitting at a bar,鈥 said Newbould, who has previously lived in Panama. 鈥淓ven if I make a benign comment about the weather or, 鈥榃ow, no coat hangers, eh?鈥 I can sense this, 鈥極h no, I’m married, I have to talk out of the side of my mouth so she doesn’t keep going,鈥 or, 鈥楬m, is she crazy?鈥 Or they just don’t know how to react.鈥
Newbould feels that dating is 鈥渟o much worse鈥 now than in the past, especially on the apps. 鈥淧eople are jaded, they ghost, or there are so many people on there that it’s like rooting through an entire town with all its rubbish, trying to go by a few pics and a dumb question, then having to chat, then meet and maybe it鈥檚 a no still,鈥 she said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 too time consuming.鈥
It鈥檚 possible that dating isn鈥檛 actually more dismal than it used to be, but we鈥檙e talking about it more 鈥 such as on “Are we dating the same guy?” Facebook groups. 鈥淲ith social media and the way women can communicate with each other en masse, we鈥檙e waking up to the fact that dating disappointment is more normal than we once thought,鈥 said 32-year-old Chloe Bow, who was in a long-term relationship for most of her twenties before calling off her engagement. She鈥檚 a relationship counsellor turned founder of 海角社区官网Girl Social, which hosts events to help women make friends. 鈥淚n the past, there was a tendency for women to believe that something was wrong with them when they were unsuccessful with dating, but with more of us sharing our stories online, we鈥檙e seeing a pattern in the behaviours of men and realizing, 鈥業t鈥檚 not us 鈥 it鈥檚 them.鈥欌
On the other side of this heterosexual gender divide? Edward, a 36-year-old office clerk who asked to go by his first name, described the atmosphere as 鈥淐old War paranoia,鈥 and referenced a line from the sci-fi horror film “The Thing”: 鈥淣obody trusts anybody now, and we鈥檙e all very tired.鈥
Edward feels there is a 鈥渉eaviness鈥 to our world now that makes dating difficult. 鈥淓veryone is paranoid about each other, but especially women. Women don鈥檛 know who to trust. They are hyperaware that men hide who they really are,鈥 he said, adding that he feels this is largely justified. 鈥淭hey don鈥檛 know what subreddits he reads, what podcasts he listens to. Men are quickly learning when to shut up about certain topics. There is a script for 鈥榯he liberal guy鈥 and it鈥檚 so easy to say the right words.鈥
It鈥檚 also easy to say the wrong ones. 鈥淚 used to love talking about gender studies stuff on dates 鈥 I got an A+ in Feminist Literary Theory at York 鈥 but with the Justin Baldoni and Neil Gaiman controversies, a man calling himself a feminist is a huge red flag now,鈥 he said.
Edward was in a decade-long common law relationship that ended last year. He isn鈥檛 on dating apps but uses Instagram like one; in the last year, he had three 鈥渟uccessful hookups or relationships鈥 with women who slid into his DMs.
Simi is a female health care professional, 48, looking for a long-term monogamous relationship with a man.
Simi is a female health care professional, 48, looking for a long-term monogamous relationship with a man.
He鈥檚 noticed some major differences in the dating scene. Being sober is more mainstream: 鈥淚 think it鈥檚 a red flag for a man to drink on a first date now.鈥 Boundaries and expectations are much clearer: 鈥淚t鈥檚 such a relief knowing you don鈥檛 approach strange women in public. If that pretty lady wants to talk to me, she鈥檒l make the move.鈥 And consent is a more normalized part of the dating ritual: 鈥淔or the first kiss, it鈥檚 not weird to ask, 鈥楥an I kiss you?鈥 or 鈥楧o you want to kiss?鈥 anymore. In fact, I feel like many women prefer it these days.鈥
In the minus column: Dating is far more expensive than it was a decade ago. And he feels a pressure to constantly self-optimize. 鈥淚鈥檓 always trying to get to a stage where I鈥檒l be 鈥榬eady to date鈥 or I鈥檒l be good enough to be an attractive boyfriend. It鈥檚 like Zeno鈥檚 Paradox, where I鈥檒l never catch up to the tortoise,鈥 he said. 鈥淚鈥檓 not well-read enough, rich enough, fit enough to be a viable candidate on the dating market.鈥
For Chris Poletek, a 28-year-old who works in software sales, moving to 海角社区官网from Mono, Ont., a few years ago came with a dating culture shock. 鈥淭his city is so different from growing up in a small town, and seeing those traditional relationships where people meet in high school or college and settle down and have a family,鈥 he said. 鈥淭he phrase that describes it best is 鈥榗ommitment issues.鈥 People here struggle to commit to people.鈥
A big piece of this, he thinks, is the 鈥渋llusion of options鈥 here. 鈥淚t鈥檚 so transient, and there are so many people,鈥 he said. 鈥淧eople feel like they have so many options at their fingertips that if somebody is not 100 per cent the perfect fit, they run to the next person.鈥
Poletek creates videos on TikTok, and the last date he went on via an app was a glimpse into a uniquely modern phenomenon: Dating while somewhat internet famous. 鈥淭he person had seen my social media stuff before and was very well-versed in my life, and was very prompt to bring it up on the date,鈥 he said. 鈥淚t was a weird situation where you鈥檙e meeting someone who knows a lot about you.鈥
Or, at least, the incomplete, curated version. 鈥淧eople sometimes have preconceived notions of you before they meet you, based off of what they see online,鈥 Poletek said. 鈥淚鈥檝e had it said to me, more times than I can count on my fingers and toes, 鈥極h, you鈥檙e not what I thought you鈥檇 be.鈥欌
Like many daters, he struggles with the app double bind: They aren鈥檛 pleasant to use, but it can feel like there鈥檚 no other way to meet people. 鈥淚f I sit at a coffee shop with a book, is someone actually going to come up to me? Probably not. If I go out to the bar, is somebody going to come up to me? Maybe, but are their intentions to actually date me or do they just want to take me home tonight?鈥
While these frustrations are common to many big cities, Poletek has encountered one uniquely 海角社区官网phenomenon: 鈥淭he Miami Effect,鈥 where locals find themselves compared to the lavish dating rituals found a 3.5-hour flight south. 鈥淕irls will get flown out to Miami, and they鈥檒l stay in these accommodations, they go out to the clubs, they go out to the yachts, and everything is paid for,鈥 he said. 鈥淎nd then they鈥檒l come back to 海角社区官网and say, 鈥楢ll the men are trash here because they don鈥檛 do the things that Miami men do.鈥欌
As a result, Polatek said, he鈥檚 encountered women who look down on what an average 20-something 海角社区官网man can offer them. 鈥淪ome of the girls I know will go on their own girls’ trips, and they鈥檒l be out to dinner and a random guy will just pick up the tab for them. Then they鈥檙e like, why doesn鈥檛 this happen in Toronto?鈥 he said. 鈥淭he level of wealth and what people do for work here is entirely different, and you can鈥檛 compare apples to oranges.鈥
Dating coach Shannon Lalibert茅 spends a lot of time asking Torontonians why they think they haven鈥檛 found what they鈥檙e looking for. 鈥淯sually they blame external sources 鈥 the people they go out with, the apps, the dating pool 鈥 and they very rarely actually take a look at their responsibilities in their relationships,鈥 she said.
A common stumbling block is differing expectations. 鈥淚 hear from a lot of people: 鈥榃e went out, and then the communication dropped off. I messaged them and it took until the end of the day to reply.鈥 Their expectation is that they鈥檒l be responded to quickly, because they expect the person to be as excited as they are. That could be true, but it could be that they鈥檙e just busy.鈥
Her average client is in their late thirties, but Lalibert茅 has worked with people on both ends of the age spectrum. 鈥淧eople in their twenties will often say what they want, but they鈥檒l have really high criteria, and whether they鈥檙e aware of it or not, a lot of fears of getting into a relationship,鈥 she said. 鈥淭hey find lots of excuses or reasons to prevent themselves from having what they want.鈥 A recent Gen Z client said she鈥檇 met someone she really liked but dumped him after finding out he was in a dangerous occupation, calling it 鈥渢oo high risk.鈥
Among older daters, Lalibert茅 has noticed that many people in their fifties and up are much more open to pursuing romance out of the once-rigid box of marriage. 鈥淔or some people, another lifelong commitment isn鈥檛 what they鈥檙e looking for, but they don鈥檛 want to be totally alone,鈥 she said. 鈥淢aybe we don鈥檛 cohabitate but we live close to each other, or maybe I don鈥檛 have a boyfriend or girlfriend but I have people I go out with and they鈥檙e great company but we don鈥檛 have any expectations of each other. People light up when they realize they could have that.鈥
Asked for one way to improve the dating experience in Toronto, most daters we spoke to cited more places to meet people in person. Enter Andrea Lo, host of more than 80 海角社区官网Dating Hub singles’ events attended by around 3,000 singles in 2024 鈥 including 鈥淛et Ski speed dating.鈥 In the past four years, she says at least two marriages and many six-month-plus relationships have resulted from these events.
In Lo鈥檚 opinion, 海角社区官网offers incredible opportunity for those looking to date. Go anywhere else, she said, and you will likely realize how much more restrictive those dating pools are. 鈥淲hether you鈥檙e a single mom or dad, with or without kids, there are people like you out there. Whether you do or don鈥檛 want kids, there are people like you out there. If you鈥檙e poly or LGBTQ, there are all of these options,鈥 she said. 鈥淥n top of that, 海角社区官网is very multicultural. If you鈥檙e Jewish or Hindu or Catholic, whatever your background, you have choices.鈥
That鈥檚 true now more than ever. Lo said that post-pandemic, 鈥渁 lot more people have jumped into the dating pool鈥 out of loneliness. 鈥淵ou鈥檝e got people looking for threesomes, you鈥檝e got people who are travelling and passing through.鈥 But that can lead to overwhelm. 鈥淭here鈥檚 all this noise. If you鈥檙e looking for a long-term relationship versus something casual, it鈥檚 hard because there are so many people on their own different journey.鈥
Of course, all these options can be a double-edged sword. But if dating is a numbers game, you can鈥檛 ask for better odds than in a city of three million hearts.
Correction - Feb. 18, 2025
This article was edited from a previous version that mistakenly referred to the the followers of Hinduism as Hindi. In fact, it is Hindu. Hindi is an Indian language.聽
To join the conversation set a first and last name in your user profile.
Sign in or register for free to join the Conversation