When will we stop slandering cats?
I ask after a headline in Science Alert this week: 鈥淪cientists Developed a Questionnaire To Find Out If Your Cat Is a Psychopath.鈥 Other animals are not subjected to such scrutiny. Scientists aren鈥檛 trying to find out if your hamster is a narcissist. Or if turtles are agoraphobic.
Although, I did once ride a horse that was clearly bipolar.
The research, which started in 2021, sets out to quantify a 鈥淢odel of Triarchic Psychopathy Factors鈥 in domestic cats. The 46 queries are statements you grade on a six-point scale, from 鈥渄oes not describe my cat鈥 to 鈥渄escribes my cat extremely well.鈥
Samples: 鈥淢y cat does not appear to act guilty after misbehaving.鈥 鈥淢y cat needs constant stimulation.鈥 鈥淢y cat runs around the house for no apparent reason.鈥
Question for science: Doesn鈥檛 this describe all cats?
What鈥檚 next? A study to see if fish can swim?
The people building the generative AI models that are going to kill us all often say they don鈥檛 understand how these machines 鈥渢hink.鈥 Ditto for cat owners.
Our four-legged pals are like AI. I never know what my cats are thinking. Sometimes they hallucinate while tracking invisible ghosts. Sometimes they are inexplicably hostile to gravity. Sometimes they knock over a vase and then glare at me with projected judgment, as if I am Diddy and they are the jury.
Those are the rules of engagement. I feed them, shelter them, nurture them, play with them, love them and talk to them: 鈥淜itties, I鈥檓 so glad we defected from Leafs Nation!鈥
In exchange, they remain indifferent to my existence. It鈥檚 wonderful.
What I鈥檇 like is if science stopped trying to plant seeds of doubt in my head.
Dogs are glorified as 鈥渕an鈥檚 best friend.鈥 Cats are now compared to Jeffrey Dahmer.
There is a book on Amazon titled, 鈥淗ow to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You.鈥 Is this really necessary? Do I need longitudinal studies that find cats are serial killers at heart? Or that 鈥渃ats are incredibly lazy.鈥 Or that cats are 鈥渒illing machines.鈥 Or that cats are 鈥渘aturally apathetic.鈥
Which is it?
Would my two cats, 18-month-old Bengal rescues, hurt a fly? Absolutely. They will murder anything that moves. This is why they are indoor cats. I must protect my backyard birds and squirrels. I can override any Triarchic Psychopathy.
When a much bigger raccoon wanders on the deck at night, my cats are ready to rumble behind those patio doors. Their ears go down. Their bodies tense up. The battle cry is a cute chirp. Tails start wagging back and forth like metronomes.
Then the raccoon toddles off and Willow and Flynn snap out of the spell.
If they were true psychopaths, they鈥檇 grab a meat cleaver out of the counter block and force me to unlock the door to help them rough up that raccoon for violating their territory. But they鈥檝e never hurt me beyond attacking my wiggling toes under the duvet.
One of the 46 queries: 鈥淢y cat disobeys house rules.鈥
Psst, scientists. Cats don鈥檛 speak English. How can you disobey if you don鈥檛 understand? My wife has house rules. Sometimes I feel like a cat: That cheesecake was for Saturday鈥檚 dinner party? You never told me. You did tell me? I鈥檓 sorry. Maybe you should just rub my belly?
Dogs can be trained with verbal commands. You can say scream an emergency order to a cat and it will just stare through your soul or yawn and lick itself. My cats do like music. After a shower, I let them in and we have a concert. Well, I sing. They emit squeaks that imply they鈥檇 prefer if I stopped singing so we can go downstairs to watch the sparrows they yearn to kill.
But would psychopaths tolerate my off-key ABBA?
Here鈥檚 the thing: all this feline pathologizing is undermining the spiritual joy of having fur babies in these anxious times. There was a global study this week of 30,000 pet owners. Some key findings: 58 per cent prefer to spend time with pets over loved ones when feeling stressed; 77 per cent are relaxed by talking to pets; and 鈥減ets are even encouraging us to take breaks from activities that can fuel our stress 鈥 from doomscrolling, chores, work and other tasks.鈥
Science should go back to studying the five-second rule or coming to a consensus on red wine. Is it good or bad for our health? Leave cats alone. We love them and they need our love. They are curious and goofy, demanding and easygoing. They purr in our laps and snooze on our pillows.
They meow soothing sanity into this crazy world.
Is my cat a psychopath? Science, I really don鈥檛 care.
To join the conversation set a first and last name in your user profile.
Sign in or register for free to join the Conversation