Donald Trump鈥檚 new TV show is called 鈥淢ass Deportations.鈥
The reality dreck started this month when ICE agents descended on American cities like they were playing Pok茅mon Go. Instead of cartoons, the agents are searching for illegal immigrants.
Let鈥檚 raid that meat packing plant. What about that school? I see one picking strawberries! Get him!
A surreal episode of 鈥淢ass Deportations鈥 starred a familiar face this week.
In video widely shared online, a cuffed migrant is standing on a Chicago street. He is peppered with southern drawl queries from a detective in an unzipped parka: 鈥淲hat鈥檚 your name?鈥 鈥淲here you from?鈥 鈥淲here you born?鈥 鈥淣ever been deported?鈥 鈥淲hat you been charged with?鈥 鈥淎re you a citizen?鈥
The stunned migrant suddenly recognizes his interrogator.
Migrant: 鈥淵ou鈥檙e Dr. Phil?鈥
Dr. Phil: 鈥淵eah. How do you know me?鈥
Migrant: 鈥淚 seen 鈥楧r. Phil鈥 on TV.鈥
Dr. Phil: 鈥淵eah. Yeah.鈥
Dr. Phil said 鈥測eah鈥 more than Paris Hilton says, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 hot.鈥 That migrant looked bewildered. Imagine robbing a bank and running into Chief Wiggum.
Why is Dr. Phil starring in 鈥淢ass Deportations鈥? Because Trump is obsessed with media and celebrity. If there were real 鈥渆mergencies,鈥 he wouldn鈥檛 be golfing already. It鈥檚 like telling your spouse there is a fire in the basement and you鈥檒l call 911 after the hockey game.
Star power is Trump’s favourite condiment. If he comes up with a doomed health-care plan, the press conference will feature Meredith Grey and Doogie Howser.
Sure, Phil McGraw may look like a moonshiner who reeks of pork rinds. But to Trump, Phil once earned monster ratings on TV. So maybe if Dr. Moustache is embedded with ICE, he can bring eyeballs to 鈥淢ass Deportations鈥 as he once did with surprise paternity tests, underage sociopaths and nanny affairs.
Plus, he was Oprah鈥檚 prot茅g茅. Trump now hates Oprah.
She may get deported next.
Dr. Phil claims he wants to ride along with ICE to show how agents are targeting violent criminals with surgical precision. This is difficult to argue when half of the arrested so far do not have criminal records. Surgical precision?
This is more like when fishing trawlers throw down a huge net and ensnare a few baby dolphins during the catch. Whoopsie.
Now that America has entered its 鈥淪how Me Your Papers鈥 era, there are also reports of naturally born citizens getting stopped in the dragnet. There will undoubtedly be future stories about how Pedro was born in Newark and then one day was yanked out of a restaurant kitchen where he worked double shifts washing dishes to feed his kids. Now Pedro is living in Colombia and frantically taking Spanish lessons to sort out this mess.
How do you know 鈥淢ass Deportations鈥 is a TV show? Trump is not happy with the early ratings and results. Agents are now expected to meet arrest quotas, like they are marble tile salesmen working on commission. According to CNN, Trump also wants his foot soldiers to 鈥渄ress for the cameras鈥 and wear raid jackets to generate media buzz.
Half of those ICE guns are probably film props from 鈥淛ohn Wick.鈥
Trump can stage manage a photo-op and video clip better than MrBeast. It鈥檚 why he is also using military planes for 鈥淢ass Deportations鈥 instead of the usual DHS charters, despite the massive hit on taxpayer dollars.
The C-130E can transport close to 40,000 pounds in payload. That鈥檚 considerably higher than the combined weight of 80 migrants. The operating cost of a C-130E can exceed $70,000 per hour. Using such an aircraft to 鈥渞epatriate鈥 migrants is about as fiscally sound as taking your child to school in a hot-air balloon.
But this is not an indie co-pro. There are no budget restraints on 鈥淢ass Deportations,鈥 not when it is executive produced by Stephen Miller, Trump鈥檚 director of xenophobia. The plan is to trigger a ruckus and spectacle while hoping those who voted for Trump are too pumped to notice how eggs cost even more after Joe Biden left. If the red hats are whooping with delight as migrants are frogmarched out of community marshes, maybe they won鈥檛 notice how Trump just froze spending on programs they depend on for food and medicine.
No more Meals on Wheels for you, Grandpa. Better eat those Trump sneakers.
The good news? There are only 1,378 days until the next U.S. election, not that I鈥檓 counting by doodling a teardrop in my calendar on each passing day. The bad news? Prepare for an avalanche of reality shows: 鈥淲ho Wants to Marry a Broligarch?鈥 鈥淭he Apprentice: Cabinet Edition.鈥 鈥淣ATO Survivor.鈥 鈥淭he Real Housewives of Mar-a-Lago.鈥 鈥淒ancing With the Insurrectionists.鈥 鈥淭he Surreal World.鈥 鈥淪elling State Secrets on Sunset.鈥 鈥淭he Amazing Gestapo.鈥 鈥淎re You Smarter Than a Kash Patel?鈥
The decline of America will be televised. And, yeah, Dr. Phil will be there.
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